thinking cap

Home truths

2011-10-20T11:29:00.001+05:30

A few things I learn and add here for future reference.
1.Never buy a tv stand with only shelves and no back cover .otherwise u will find all wires showing through.
2.never stop at the dollar store , it's full of trash.
3.always look for a place with two adjacent sink in the kitchen.
4.never believe anyone

So it's funny

2011-10-11T14:49:00.001+05:30

So it's funny how I morph into this person who panics at the loss of privacy while I paradoxically blog about it in my webspace.while I select obviously who or what see's my facebook.when I look at pictures of my old friends,I realize how I value the pica y of things.like I think I would like a quiet wedding not because I have privacy issues,I just want to be spared the panic of wondering what if things are not done according to plan and sub par? What if I cannot affor the things that are beautiful.but then I realise it's about putting the people u love and the things u love around u that make. Difference.I pray for my friend to get through her ordeal I pray for everything else.I am losing my train of thought now.bye there.

Deja vu

2011-09-30T10:18:00.001+05:30

Again it happens.Am I shy? Or do people think they can walk all over me.do u think tht somebodies misfortune in life, makes them entitled to do things tht bad friends wld do .this is the fourth time this is happening.I like a guy ,I am contemplating whether or not to do something and then 'friend x' walks in and blindly despite my subtle hints goes right after without turning around.my anger does not stem from wanting the guy.it stems from the fact tht why doesn't she as a friend turn around and ask o my friend has been since a whole year, is there a reason she does not like him or is she interested.can I try to be friends with him for her? No instead pays mo heed to my feelings continues to single mindedly go after him.now I have to play the role of a friend and supposed to act happy and excited while instead I am actually not feeling tht inside.it gets even worse when I speculate if the guy was interested in me and now since I am playing friend , he thinks I am not interested.I don't know what to do.should I talk to her.?should I tell her tht it wld have been nice for get to consider me?or is it wrong to expect her to see this from my point if view.

Pain

2011-09-27T08:58:00.001+05:30

I now understand atleast to some extent the pain because of which peole want to give up this material world.Some of my objects if desire, be it a person or a thing give me so much of unbearable pain that I wonder when I would be free of such a yearning.of late, I turn to god to stop me from want something so much that it hurts.I revel in my ambitions and happiness.but I don't think anything will last.I am still grateful,don't get me wrong for everything I have.but to want something,to care for something or someone.only confounds my deep angst that I get from these.I think of god and look for peace.even that feels selfish,because in looking for peace.I feel I want for something myself.I still will look for this answer and continue to turn to this when I suffer from things that I seem to overpower my senses or me.

Lucky me

2011-09-24T09:52:00.001+05:30

No idea why I never thought of this! The app so convenient! Yes, the brain was heating up.too many thoughts.it was twitter vs blogger.came back to the old faithful.a year full if heart breaks.was this the only thing tht mattered.so many other happy things were done.yet all I can think of is this.anyhow ! Now there will be more thoughts and posts.yippee doo...

I had to

2011-04-14T15:35:00.002+05:30

Dear Blog, I had to write. My head was clogging up with innumerable thoughts.My life is a such a roller coaster, as stressed as I am i am loving it :). I learnt yesterday that friend S is getting married. Interesting how one woman's enterrising turns out to be a life time of happiness. It's a strange situation, my friend (or then she was) swept in and made out with the guy who had just asked me out on the basis of alcohol/lust/chemistry. But they have been together since and are getting married.Intersting how these things happen. Well considering I was head over heels with a guy who was my married friend's crush suddenly should I be judging them? perhaps still yes, because at least there was nothing going on between these two and no hope of a future. But ruin my friendship with the friend? not my cup of tea( I almost didnt care mind you like the above said couple who now are looking to a life together).We'll see.
Then how is work coming along. pretty good I must say. Amidst all the human contact and loving what i do who i work with. I think I did fall pretty deep in a tumultous way with someone. But perhaps because I hadnt had a reciprocated crush and pursuit in my life in so long that I was so tumulous and temptutous in my little see saw that I did not see it for what it was. Am i awkward with him at work? no, not at all. In fact i have been so bummed about not crossing paths with him for so lobg that the excitement of seeing him always was dramatic. But now, i see him everyday and it feels good. Like de-sensitization.Like now I can look him in the eye atleast for more than 30 seconds.My heart still skips a beat but i live.and it makes my day for him to hover around me with all that attention( a little tittle).
about the ex factor, well i guess it's best gone.All my break up have been passive aggresive and not clean. But this one absolutely no bond except for a social one, like how u make a new best friend. My experience has garnered so much that I know that when he posts on FB, he thinks I will see him( he doesnt know I have blocked the feed). In a matter of time, I will delete him .Cause i am not even curious about what happend. aboyt not sending him a long email back with the xplanation composed. my work schecdule brutal and now when he appears to be healing hawaii and all , i have my own perverted explanation about leaving him alone in peace.
So, what abt my other ones, i have decided I will wipe the slate clean.No perveted manipulative Leos trying to set me up with their useless friends. No over worked up selfish people with no agenda but their own.
I have always made time for superficilous, no important people, just for random time spending. But now as I work hard, i dont believe in it anymore. i dont want to or need to. I feel more secure now with regard to personality, but of course I have a long way to go work wise.
To study and do well, to pray for a smile on my loved ones faces to be able to find or search for someone who will make my heart skip a beat/sweep me off my feet/ yet carry me till my own bubble of happiness carries us thorugh that is my motto.
Now that you are back, I have no further intention of hashing oout these matters and let people judge me happen. Muah.

Birthday Wishes!

2010-04-04T03:48:00.003+05:30

You know that my major things that I wished for I would rather not disclose for it relates to stuff that my Family and friends would need.Personal.But it was for me it would have been on the website.But however,god has been kind and I wont as of now ask for more,I will however as for loved ones.
But on the advise of dearest RC I have decided to make a wish list of the expensive but achievalble materialistic gains-Now I dont wish to add necessties ike apartment and acr to this list.But other stuff and I want to keep updating it too.
1.Christian Loubotin's pigalle 85 python pumps -$995

2.Christian Loubotin's '70 jute pumps-$795

3.Stella Mc Cartney Faux Lether clutch in blue-$695

4.Stella Mc Cartney-printed Satin ruffle dress-$4595

5.Stella Mc Cartney-oversize techincal tafetta bag-$785

6.Juicy Couture printed halter neck Jersey dress in red-$260

7.Diane von Furstenberg-Omaya cutout linen tunic-$260

8.DvF-Vern Cotton wrap dress-$375

9.Dvf-Cleopatra silf shift Kaftan-$325

10.Miu Miu-Silk and cashmere cascade-front vest $750

Now I not only have a list I know fashions will change so the wish list will change so I think I've picked a lot of clubwear and date-wear and maybe one hospital wear.Either way this stuff is also excellent to give and I think DvF is my brand now when it comes to clothes and right now my sensibilities are able to match hers.aha!

Melodrama

2010-03-29T20:23:00.002+05:30

I now here continue on a new vein where I'm all excited about this new chapter i'm going to begin in my life.My illness-the keratitis has given me this opportunity to stabilize and reflect upon things that seemingly are annoying and flawed to people.

I've been watching a lot of grey's anatomy and as flawed the characters are the more we love them.We revel in the melodrama of the character in grey's.The central protagonist's dysfunctional childhood mess is endearing to us.But has anyone ever wondered that most kids with such dysfunctional childhood don't handle themselves well enough to survive in this competitive field.Meredith Grey not only becomes a doctor but goes on to become a surgeon in this fictional world in a top hospital.

Similarly I've noticed how much growing up all this constant melodrama has affected my reasoning and judgement.Where I have made my feelings and my point of view central to my thinking and reactions.
Like this morning I yelled at my parents blaming my sister and all of them for the H1b visa fiasco.Whereas in truth there were only two people to blame in this situation.Doppelganger and me.I forgot how much my parents are themselves affected and guilt ridden that circumstances led me to make so many wrong decisions.They blame themselves for the unfairness and probably my dad is only looking t assuage his form of remorse.
I should learn to listen and not retort cos probably in the larger scheme of things,my point of view is barely important.What's important is amidst everything that they are going through, to be less vocal about my opinion's because they probably know and understand where things were going on.If I consider myself wise at 25 they are more than double my age and the amount of wisdom they must have acquired over years different decisions is enormous.
New guy called,I was ecstatic and I answered the phone and we chatted a bit.I answered because I know how much I suck at this game playing.Though I know that is the key to being with a guy.I dunno know if I want to be with him if I have to play these games.
As of now I think he's fun,he's stable to my erratic but he doesn't seem to want to forge that kind of bond.Where you think of someone all the time.On the other hand,I am far away.Distance can make many assumptions,we've made it though almost 6 months of knowing each other.I like the fact he is not clingy,as much I would love him to be smitten.I'm going to be busy tomorrow during residency and I couldn't ask for someone better-someone who has his own life.
But again next month when we see each other finally after so many months,it's very important the sparkle exists and the desire to be should be strong.
I now know I've grown older for as much pain being together or not together I know I can handle it.
I know I hate taunting logical people,it's very difficult to tell them,you didn't call all week! cos there is no set rule in stone that he should call.But you know there is and he didn't call.I think you should have said something to that effect.I think there's nothing wrong in letting people know you have expectations.It does NOT make you clingy or annoying.If he shows no enthusiasm to receive you then also I think he should know,I have no idea how to 'pt him in his place' about this one.
I'll figure out a way.
Love,
Y

wish list and memories

2010-03-28T16:19:00.003+05:30

As time flies by,
I haven't heard anything from the boyfriend/non-friend.I am still feeling that I will receive a call.I did not peg him for a coward who wouldn't not call good or bad.I suspect he's busy/chicken feet.Will he come around.He probably wont.
I read somewhere that men will come around if they feel it's the right woman.I'm probably not.For him. That is.And maybe its all for the best.Do I need closure?
Maybe not,
Closure is very final.I like hope.I like the natural course of time which helps you eventually know whether or not anything is meant to be or no.I like I now know I can never ever get back to major ex.We're friends mainly as its comfortable.I dont wait or pine or his phone call,I dont take his call if its not possible.
With new guy it isnt like that.I waske up with every phone ring,hoping the number is his.And hoping that I dont pick up and I can have the upper hand once.Where I am in control.
But I guess growing up is about segregating and knowing what you cant handle.
Thus flexibility is lost.My sister,new guy are all pretty much around the same age and they share a common thread lack of flexibility.They are very set n their ideas and thoughts and I think that makes it difficult for new people to come into their life comfortably.
Anyway I probably am too in the contemplation phase.Just because I like the guy does NOT mean he is right for me.
I can see my friends transforming in front of my eyes.Success and knowledge gives people new found confidence that helps them be clearer in life.And I suppose both the above 30yr olds I mentioned above have had their share of both and that coupled with liing life by yourself making a lot of decisions on your own has its downfalls.
here's hoping that the nest time I write I will put in my wishlist(since its my bday time and its always a good time of the year to wish for nice things that you could probably aspire to do so).
Love,
Y

uGH!

2010-03-13T19:48:00.003+05:30

Hey,
I had such a horrible day today!
What began with one fellow colleague ended with a pathetic old man!
Case 1:
My colleague is a Maharashtrian which in her eyes,makes her 'North Indian' (read 'cool' in her head).So she tells me she has 8 people over for dinner.
Me-Oh,wow what are you cooking?
She-Ummm...I was just wondering how much rice do I have to cook for 8 South Indians.

I hate this image of the typical South Indian-rice eating,non-Hindi speaking,Lungi wearing.
Now all of the above are actually not such bad things.Rice eating? Nah.But the derogatory sense in which she used the rice for soth indian term blew my fuse off.I mean if she has left her hometown and come down South for education,she must learn to respect the sentiments and the way of life of the people who live here.Not be condescending about them.

Oh and read this.
I was writing in Hindi some random things ,scribbling rather and she peeks at this paper and she is like 'Oh you can write Hindi also'
Firstly,
Hindi being our National Language I believe strongly contrary to popular belief ,Hindi is widely taught at most schools(Even in 'South India').Her involuntary shock at my ability to write Hindi despite our acquaitance for over a month where I have spoken to her on many ocassions in chaste Hindi,probably not only reflects her arrogance but also her thick-headedness in not able to see beyond what her mind has processed(Read-NO SOUTH INDIANS CAN SPEAK HINDI OR EAT ANYTHING EXCEPT RICE).

Now I hate the term South Indians too.Or the term North Indians for that matter.Its bad enough to be divided on lingusitic basis in various states that we now deal with this division.

Anyway, the second complaint is even worse.It has to do with my driving skills and amm junta on the road who mis-behave.But you know I'm so exhausted.Hopefully,I'll have a quite day tomorrow and let bygones be bygones or I could change my mind and tell you about it.
Love,
y

I missed you blog!

2010-03-12T20:08:00.003+05:30

Oh I missed you blog!
My life right now is filled with the unwanted right now or more or less the unnecessary.I cannot fathom where and how I have landed in this situation.
I had imagined of a life ordinary but thanks to my work have a little interest.But no, I have not been alloted the comfort of a prior poision in residency,but I am reduced to this ulcer producing state as I await the results.
Maybe,its all for the best!
I am all optimistic though.I feel it's all for the best.I will not go through this suffering of you never really know ,where I might have matched.
Everyone,now loves the feeling of fate playing a big role.As they just cannot accept the responsibility of loss or success.Most of us would love to find the reason we are where we are.
But those to give the entire credit to themselves are accused of being narcisstic as more and more I grow up I realize how dependent we are on fellow human beings ,most importantly family -to be happy and successful.
So this time round I've decided to do more structured blogging.
Say about something I learn every day.
Or something that I need to do or I think people should do.
Or something funny.
So there you are-lesson or funny or rant(OOOhhh I could I could forget rant)
love
me